Ears:

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using one's own
truck keys. (NOTE: Keys must also be cleaned
regularly, because ear wax buildup can
short circuit a starter switch.)

Brushing & Flossing

Scientists have proven that the use of a toothbrush
(and toothpaste when available) can help people
keep their teeth into their thirties and even beyond.
Dental floss, the modern equivalent of broom straw,
is also helpful. A lightweight monofilament
fishing line works just as well. Remove lures first.

Manicures and Pedicures:

Dirt and grease under the nails is a social no no,
as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of finger foods.
Corns and calluses can be removed using
a common potato peeler, remember never
to cut against the grain.

Hair Care - (FOR MEN)

Contrary to popular belief, dandruff is
not an incurable disease. Rubbing motor oil
into the scalp once a week will turn the flakes dark
and then they will not be noticeable.
.
If you can't afford hair tonic, brake fluid
holds the hair in place and gives it
a dark, Elvis like sheen.

Hair Care - (FOR WOMEN)

While a tall hive of hair is the current rage,
it can be an open invitation to bees and hornets.
A 50/50 mixture of Black Flag and hairspray
can prove to be a girl's best summertime friend.

Driving

When approaching a four way stop,
remember that the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

When sending your wife down the
road with a gas can, remember that it is
impolite to ask her to bring back a beer.

Remember that the median
is not a passing lane.

Never tow another car using
panty hose and duct tape.