Are
You Ready for College?
The below quiz will help you to determine
if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions
below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for
each question as your answer.
1) You have five minutes to get dressed
before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you
don’t have any clean socks. You:
a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing
each sock until finding two that don’t make your
eyes water.
b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
c. Tell your date you always wished you
were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami
Vice was all the rage.
d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing
but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was
the big toga party.
2) In order to afford a decent apartment
you’ll need to find a roommate. The most important
feature in a roommate is:
a. They don’t own an accordion.
b. Their main goal in life isn’t to
prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.
c. When they tell you they love smokin’
rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar
solo.
d. They don’t arrive wearing a PETA
t-shirt that says "cockroaches are people too."
3) You desperately need a good grade in
your English Lit class, yet it’s two hours before
the paper is due and you haven’t even written the
first line. You:
a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your
writing hand in the car door.
b. You write a fantasy paper titled, "What
if Shakespeare was born a pig?" You rewrite Hamlet
in Pig Latin and title it, "Piglet."
c. You casually mention to your professor
how you long for the good ole’ days when it wasn’t
considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns
a walk-in clinic.
4) Your first semester is the time to get
used to college life and make new friends. By the second
semester you plan to really buckle down and show what
you’re made of. Your biggest goal is:
a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
b. To cut your beer consumption to no more
than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.
c. To get a date with someone whose phone
number doesn’t begin with 1-900.
d. To prove illiteracy isn’t necessarily
a drawback.
5) In order to survive on a tight budget
you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is
the best way to save money?:
a. Stock up on free food by walking into
the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming,
"food fight!"
b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas
lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees
and sprinkling them in the bushes.
c. Save gas expenses while treating your
date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you
wait in the drive-thru line.
d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting
all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit
of insuring you won’t have any friends who’ll
try to talk you into going out on weekends.
6) In order to have a chance of being accepted,
it’s crucial that, on your college application you
don’t mention:
a. In high school you were voted "most
likely to become a political prisoner."
b. You haven’t tried to kill any teachers
since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.
c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
d. Although you failed several courses in
high school you always earned an A for effort.
7) It’s a generally considered a bad
sign if:
a. You’re asked to pledge "Geek."
b. MIT tells you they’ll accept you
as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.
c. Your English professor suggests you transfer
to English as a Second Language.
d. An aptitude shows you’re best qualified
to be homeless.
8) The only hope you have of passing your
calculus final is:
a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your
eyelids.
b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing
a sheep in a nightgown.
c. You have no hope since you’ve never
passed as much as a urine test.
d. Study hard. (I'm just checking whether
you’re paying attention.)
9) When you go for that all-important interview
at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the
interviewer by:
a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars
you brag about smuggling into the country.
b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school
fight song.
c. Explaining why academia is the real power
behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order,
and how you’ve figured out how to build a powerful
bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey’s syrup.
d. Speak in tongues.
10) Employers tend to hire students who
were active in campus organizations. In order to make
yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join
the:
a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative
to join before you take your first class.)
d. All of the below.
Scoring your test:
For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled - See an eye doctor.
If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult
a mental health practitioner immediately
