Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated
from further contention as Mr. Right. As you
are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly
tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates
such as yourself also failed to make the final
cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should
an opening come available. So that you may find
better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s)
you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't
imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting
my children to it.
2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's
just not something I can picture myself yelling
out in a fit of passion.
3. ___The fact that our first dining experience
to date has left MY wallet a little lighter,
and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy
condoms by the truckload" indicates that
you may be interested in me for something other
than my personality.
5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e.,
I asked you 20 questions about yourself before
you asked me more than one about myself.
6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you
have way too much time on your hands!
7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If
you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET
into my pants.
8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced
would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at
recess.
9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic
neck condition from trying to kiss you.
10. ___You have a hairy back.
11. ___I find your inability to fix my car
extraordinarily unappealing.
12. ___The fact that your apartment has been
condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that
I fear is unbreakable.
13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has
popped up far too often in conversation.
14. ___You still live with your parents.
15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find
your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little
disconcerting.
16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend
lead me to suspect that you are some sort of
psychotic stalker.
17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is
not a trait that I am seeking in a long term
partner.
18. ___Your height is out of proportion to
your weight. If you should, however, happen
to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
resubmit your application.
19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I
found in your overnight bag were really necessary
for a successful business trip.
20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights
lower next time.
Sincerely, _________________________________
